the last G-d knwos how many months...

so its been a long time since id written, its been a long time since ive felt sane enough to write stuff thats going on my head, its a diary entry, a proper one, a first in india...
the last three motnhs have been so good that these last three weeks seem so unattached, i met a boy, i met a boy about 2and a half months ago. billy.
billy and i had a "special" relationship. i liked him, i liked him a lot, and i still do i guess, but we broke up. we broke up i guess cos it was time, and also because with his friends, i guess it was hard for me with his friends, really nice guys, "cultural diffrences" i guess, its one thing to sting someone, as a joke,its funny, id like to think i can do it, and take it, pretty well... it seems i wither cant, or menny-his friend, took it a bit too far, im still not really sure which is the right explenation, maybe im oversensetive, and hes over stingish (not a word....)but now, after a big scene at the bus stop, a couple of over honest conversations, and a couple of half hearted kisses, i dont feel bad, i just feel very very confused. and i thought that maybe i had fallen a little bit inlove with him, but maybe i didnt, this is a strange sort of feeling of loss, not like the ones i felt before, stranger, cos i dont feel like my heart is broken, i just feel like ive lost a really good friend, and im alone now, kinda like i felt about keri in australia. i have the feelings of betrail, cos he didnt want to leave them and come with me,feel kinda like i must have not been good enough, the way that he told me not to think too little of myself, it seems silly now, because hes acted just as though i was nothing important, as though i was a passing thought on his way back to the girl he seems to be inlove with in israel.as though i was a convieniant fuck on his way back somewhere else. anyway, let alone all his behaviours, what ive been to him and the way he feels, hes made me feel like shit, and i dont really want boys to make me feel like shit anymore, is there a concious decision involved in something like that?can you say to yourself that this is it, that boys or girls wont be a part of your life anymore? and that you would no longer need them around you for all the good things that they provide? or is life just one ongoing battle with the other sex? it seems silly if it is, why would you wanna be anywhere near the other sex if all they do is casuse upi trpouble? surely masterbation is enough for the sex end of this life?
and if i do make that promise? am i really gonna be able to make it?
am i really gonna be able to stand not to have the attention? or the want of another poerson for me?
anyway, decision NOT made. not sure what to do hey??